As part of our G11 English (Language and Literature) class, we had to pastiche an essay entitled How To Write About Africa by Kenyan author Binyavanga Wainaina. It’s short and very entertaining so I suggest you take a look. A few of the pastiches will be featured on KIS Today.

***

The following pastiche is written by Sahil.

When writing about Fiji, always include at least one of the following words in the title, “Tropical”, “Paradise” or “Pacific”. In the subtitles, you should have “relaxation”, “honeymoon destination”, “get away island”. Write about Fiji as if it was a single island in the Pacific rather than it being composed of 332 islands, 106 which are inhabited and 522 smaller islets. The inner part of the island must always be a tropical jungle and always must include a tall tropical waterfall. Always write Fiji as the country’s name instead of the “Republic of Fiji” as it is too long.

The front cover must either be a image of an inhabited island with crystal clear water taken from the sky, a magnificent hotel on the beach, a semi-submerged scuba diver looking at the colorful coral reefs below, a white or golden colored beach with barely any turbidity or a picture from within a tropical jungle with a waterfall. Should you choose to have a image of a person, it can either be a western foreigner (Typically European or American) in beach clothes such as bikinis or beach shorts or if you want to put an image of a Fijian, he/she must be in a traditional grass skirt with a hut or a whole village made of straw, wood and mud in the background.

If you were to include the Fijians, you must describe all Fijians as big and muscular, tribal and the men should be shirtless, wearing only grass skirts and/or other traditional, primitive clothing. The Fijians should not be dressed formally, but a casual outfit would be at the extreme. All Fijians must be portrayed as if they were part of a tribe. A Fijian’s lifestyle must always include eating fish but not any red meat such as beef or pork. Also, every Fijian must play or at least support rugby over any other sports.

One thing you must never do is mention its location or the countries close to it, however, mentioning that it is in the pacific ocean is all that is need to be said. Note, never forget to talk about the marine life, the colourful coral reefs and the abundance of fish. Always remember to touch upon the only season of the country, which is summer as it must always be a perfect sunny day, with possibly some clouds. Never should you mention that Fiji has any forms of storms such as cyclones which could be very destructive. Remember to say that Fiji is an isolated country and the only export that Fiji has is the world renown expensive Fiji water which can be found in the supermarkets.

At the end, always remember to talk about you amazing experience of jet skiing in the ocean, shark diving with the bull sharks, trekking the tropical jungles, showering in the waterfalls and scuba diving to see the coral reefs and stalking the fish which inhabit it.

Featured image from: http://owlfiji.com/the-wonderful-tropical-islands-of-fiji/