How To Write About New Zealand

When writing about New Zealand, you should use Māori words in your title to make the islands sound more exotic. A good way to do this is to refer to New Zealand as “Aotearoa.” By doing this not only are you making New Zealand sound more fascinating but also demonstrating that you have a strong connection with the country and it’s people and know all about Māori culture. Words you should use in your subtitle are, “wondrous,” “luscious,” “scenic,” “green,” “magical,” and “naturalistic,” Basically use any words that create a beautiful and wholesome image.

The photographs you use for the cover or throughout your book should always include either rolling hills or beautiful blue water. Preferably both. Pictures of sheep and birds are also highly recommended. Captions for these pictures should be along the lines of: “the scenery took my breath away,” or “the wonder of New Zealand has changed me as a person for the better.”

In your text don’t try too hard to differentiate between New Zealand and Australia. No one really cares because they are in fact exactly the same except there’s grass instead of the outback and sheep instead of spiders. If you include a picture of a map in your book it’s absolutely fine to leave New Zealand off it because kiwis love pretending to be part of Australia. After all, kiwi’s are just Australians who are slightly kinder and quieter.

The only city in New Zealand worth focusing on is Auckland. The rest of the country is completely rural and the houses are few and far between. This is because most of the land is covered with farms and animals. People who don’t live in the city (everyone) have an average education, have barely travelled past their doorstep and never wear shoes. When talking about the farm areas a fact that must always be included is the sheep to people ratio. It doesn’t matter whether you say there are 10, 20 or 30 sheep to a person because the particulars don’t matter. The point is to get across to the audience there are a lot of sheep. They will find this endlessly amusing.

A character that you should include in your book is a rugby-obsessed nutter who only lives for the game. Generally, they are loud and shout a lot and probably have a beer gut. As well as enjoying rugby they tend to gamble on a variety of sports including sailing and horse racing. Another important character would be a native Māori who only wears tribal clothing and still cooks their food in holes in the ground. This character tends to be pretty poor and though they can speak English it’s probably not up to standard.

Besides that, the people of New Zealand aren’t very interesting to the public eye. However, there are a variety of unique animals that should be mentioned frequently. Talk about animals who tend have an exotic sound name such as the “pukeko” or the “kea.” But most importantly make sure to talk about the kiwi a lot because it’s New Zealand’s most important animal. Make it sound like the bird can be found almost anywhere but don’t actually give any specific places for where it actually has its habitat.

Lastly, end your text with a quote from Peter Jackson. This is important because New Zealand hasn’t done anything remotely noteworthy besides the production of the Lord of the Rings.

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For the first post in this series, click here. (Link Sahil’s article!!!!)

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